hello darkness my old friend

oh to set the clock of my life back

Daylight savings has thrown me off.

I’m tired.

Tired of being tired. Tired of cooking. Tired of doom scrolling. Tired of feeling guilty for everything I do or don’t do because pandemic brain has me convinced that nothing I do is right. Tired of my ADHD making my life harder.

What am I gonna do about it? Clearly, I’m gonna whine.

Today, I told my therapist that I’ve realized that a large part of living with ADHD is acceptance. Accepting that it can’t just be “cured.” Accepting that I have to accept myself as I am and not be hard on myself for not being able to get things done in a “normal” fashion. She agreed, of course. She is the one always telling me to stop being so hard on myself. It helps to hear her validate me. She told me that it wouldn’t hurt me to be kind to myself. It wouldn’t make me lazier or more critical of myself. It would probably boost my creativity and motivation. I know she’s right. I just can’t seem to get through to myself the way that she can. If that’s all I get from my therapy sessions, that’s enough.

Today, I saw this tweet and laughed in agreement.

Then I thought about people who say they stress-bake or stress-cook, like that’s bad thing. I thought about my girl Lara Jean Covey, and her “pensive bake” in TATBILB2, when she made cherry turnovers because she was stressed about whether or not to tell Peter that she saw John Ambrose (my king). And I heated up leftovers that I didn’t even cook and thought about my trip to the grocery store last night and how I don’t know how to shop anymore and that my plan for dinner tonight is crunchy taco Hamburger Helper (which I am very excited for) and I thought about how much I do like salad and would love to eat more of it but I rarely find lettuce or kale or mixed greens that aren’t already wilting and I just… don’t know how to make them like sweetgreen does.

I thought about how devastating it is to learn that a person you presumed was naturally thin is actually mildly orthorexic and maybe an exercise addict as well. Not that there’s anything wrong with eating healthy and working out, but the two periods in my life where I was committed to both, I was obsessed with it and my appearance in an unhealthy way. I tell myself that I am not meant to be naturally thin and if it’s something I have to work at constantly, it really isn’t worth it.

I thought about all my self-deprecating thoughts and how I wish I could make them disappear forever but I haven’t been able to yet. There are good days and bad days. I thought about what I might do to be kind to myself today. I thought about watching Lady Bird or TATBILB or maybe finishing the Twilight series, and I thought about reading, and then I realized what I wanted to do was write. So here I am.

Yes, I voted today. Yes, for Joe Biden. As always, people were electioneering near my polling place, which is apparently fine if you live in a racist, Republican area of Queens. I know a lot of my friends live in areas of Long Island where Trump supporters have planned on going to rally and intimidate voters. Be safe.

I hope you can find some peace today, however you see fit. You can do like I do, and escape into a new world in a book. I’ve been making lists for Epic Reads which is kind of a dream gig for me. I’m always looking for more work though, especially if it’s writing about YA fiction. Hire me!

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts, mostly about writing and music. My current favorite is The Ringer’s 60 Songs That Explain the 90’s, which opened with a terrific episode about “You Oughta Know.” I’ve also really been enjoying Kirk Hamilton’s Strong Songs, especially this episode about ELO’s “Mr. Blue Sky.” For writing, I am a regular listener of the Manuscript Academy podcast, which focuses on the business side of getting a book deal, featuring interviews and conversations with literary agents, editors, and writers. I’ve also just gotten into Fiction Writing Made Easy, which has short episodes focused on specific parts of writing fiction: characters, scenes, conflicts, and everything in between.

I’ve been watching Ryan Murphy’s Glee. It’s honestly a mess, and it’s certainly not for everyone, but if you are a fellow “gleek,” please let me know because I have no one to talk to this show about and have resorted to Reddit. I apparently have some controversial opinions and ships.

I’ve been writing to penpals, which is very fun. I just love getting mail. I recommend it.

I’m participating in NaNoWriMo, which is stressful, but fun.

I hope I can feel inspired enough to write another one of these soon, but I’m going to be easy on myself if I don’t.